juvenile artists...

this one's more of a vent of frustration (accumulated over a period of time) rather than a typical VOSSOV entry...

Basically, something Ma A told me sometime back came into picture yesterday, when i was speaking to No, and I couldn't help find a link between some related occurances that have happened in my life, especially in the last 5 years.

Specifically pertaining to my class (i m a student of architecture about to graduate in a month!!!), its been 5 long years- full of diverse experiences...romances, disappointments, irritations, anger, fun, laughter... .. however, what i shall remember in years to come wouldn't be the positive experiences as much as the negative ones that I went through. For starters, after a year or so with my class, a slow realisation dawned upon me- my class was going to be unique (that included me as well)..... an outsider, on prolonged "exposure" to our class would've used the words "diversity in diversity".. I would've like to liken it to India- the land of varied cultures and religions and languages (which my class was, to an extent analogically) but the country is often praised with terms like "unity in diversity" which is perhaps very true ideologically. Anyway, thats not what i set out to write...

My class consisted of not more than 28 individuals (at any point of time) and now numbers 26. Somhow, I never found one consistent person I could get along with, per se..... What i noticed was there was a persistent string of "arrogant individualism" that just strengthened the whole notion of diversity. A common ground was lacking, more often than not- we never could get together congenially, none of us ever felt any kind of individual responsibility towards the rest- if we did, it was soon squashed by disillusionment (which has happened more often than not during this tenure for me!! its bad!leaves a sore taste)...... and the attitudes have gotten only worse.

I try (and have tried) to be as objective as possible about this occurance and observed both my senior and junior batch, to figure out how they function. I can't say i "lived" with them...it was those small, offhand observations that pointed out to a great many things- things that were sorely missing or wanting in our pen. I agree that, in any class..over a period of time, certain looseness is bound to creep in. Groups are formed...comfort zones generated and picking/politicking become mainstay...and these I noticed among the other batches as well. However, they always got together at some point- especially if it was for a common goal...be it a project or a decision. There would be arguments, fallouts...but there was a bonding felt..at some level.
Either I was insensitive to any level of bonding that existed in my class or there just wasn't any- this pertained to us as individuals and "us" as a whole - our individual character probably was flawless (impossible..i know..i write relatively) but we just didn't tick it off as a class...
another aspect that brings me back to Ma A's words was the Chinese Horoscope... what she was speculating was that the Chinese horoscope points out traits according to the year you are born in...
Yesterday, I tried to relate this to the wonder that my class was- for starters. It also seemed to make sense that No had just attended her senior's thesis presentation - most of the seniors works were below average or just there- there was nothing special. Why im mentioning this is is because my class degraded over the last 5 years... we supposedly started out showing so much of promise- the faculty was exalted. Time showed the true colours.... reflected our collective attitude... we were lazy, we didn't care about deadlines..we never completed our work... we did not have a complete portfolio (personally, i still feel we're one of the most talented batches though). When No told me about her seniors abysmal performance (her seniors = my batch..same year), I couldn't help but draw a parallel to what Ma A had said earlier.

Did it have to do with the year?? now let me see- there is no doubt that out of 26 in the class, i think more than 50% of us have been born in the year 1984 (we're RATS in the chinese horoscope ;) )... there are some who are older than we are ...it ranges from 1982 to 85, basically.... im not sure if our horoscopes can be blamed... but i was thinking..if a survey was done all across the country specifically checking this batch (with respect to birthdates), what would the results be??

If I want to look at it objectively... I think it was a big attitude deficiency... those who worked hard got complacent when they noticed that there were others who didn't bother or give a damn..in a system where grades are based on relative performance, how does it matter whether you are truly industrious or good.. all one needs to do is wait for the rest to perform badly and thats exactly what happened- and there was always this backhand confidence- theory subjects could get your average down if you were bad in drafting and design subjects and vice-versa....if you were consistent in both, it showed you had some levels of competency.... you had a system that could be milked to give best results without much effort. We made complete use of it... and im not sure if we will pay a price..... but there were moments of laziness and fun!

I , for one began quite incompetently and rose along in seriousness and intent- so I wouldn't necessarily like to associate myself with the downward trend that is witnessed generally. One more reason why I will not remember my class down the years......
apart from this... I guess i should get serious about astrology and make predictions!!

A.E. (meaning After effect... usually somethings that related to the above entry...but in completely different light...)
-I have found some of my classmates evolving backwards...from children to lunatics as the years have taken their toll on them- sad..... Am i one of them??? umm..perhaps ....
-its fun to visualise how different will our lives be in a decade or so. I sometimes view pics of my family when they were young... you see them in youth and how determined/carefree/strong/beautiful/etc... they appear..and then, you see them now... there is more than just a physical change... and that is what makes it interesting. For eg. you see mr BiBo now and you see a buffalo... what would he be like 10 years later.... mmm..interesting..very interesting..
-this whole youth to aged thing can be slightly freaky..try this exercise out (although effects may vary..there's no guarantee): sit down and think of all the people you know... until now whom you 've seen growing up with you. Then think of any dead people (family or otherwise) or dying people..or very old people you know, a lot about... (a lot would mean a bit of their past..maybe some experiences when young..stuff like that)... try to put yourself in their timeline... you don't 've to do it intensively.. just be free about it. Then after a while, suddenly come back to yourself and think what you want to be/do.... ..
Effect: What I undergo is a very sudden shift in thought... which is almost scary...or astonishing at other times... its weird..you're here, at the moment..young and fit..thinking of all kinds of people..then you think of old people and then when you come back to thinking about you..you realise that you (or I ) are going to get old...and probably someday (or the next second) you are going to be facing death... I mean, imagine closing your eyes for the last time while knowing that you won't wake up (one might not always know... and we really don't know if "we" would know what is happening once death occurs... its not really recorded scientifically, is it!)...
i m ok with the whole concept of the cycle of births and deaths..but somehow, to think of it that suddenly, you are not going to be there... its a very interesting experience.. almost as if many years (or few) later, when the time comes..you're not the same person thinking about yourself in the past... but two different people looking at each other through a time glass..and wondering who the other one is......

I would like to look at the sky when i close my eyes for the last time..... :D