the stage..

its been a weird day..... a weird fortnight.. weird is the wrong superlative to use. It doesn't really mean anything- its meant to confuse. Its just dramatic...

the monsoon's setting in.. slowly and steadily, the oppressive moisture builds up squeezing and relentlessly discomforting the body. the mind does not feel the same but what the body experiences, so does the mind...

My last month in Manipal precedes the extremes of monsoon that this region experiences- the coastal Southern part of Karnataka is as tropical as can get with beautiful greens and palms and white sandy beaches, hot and sultry most of the year around. It is a beautiful place- and the only contrasts in season..the only contrast in Lifestyle is provided by the monsoons.

Over the years, I 've learnt something from the rains- it showers sporadically, to begin with sucking the heat from the ground, settling the dust now and then as the air becomes heavier. There appears to be a tension between elements in the surroundings- almost as if there was a sexual union about to happen... everything and everyone anticipates the water. Its more than just an element- it represents a change of season, a change in the way people move around..a change in the way the Colour of the environment gets rendered..a change in the greens, in the blues, in the sunrise and sunset and in the smells....

Everything gets renewed... everything begins afresh... its a beautiful cycle that I recognise and realise only now, when I think of it. For me, psychologically.. this change was quite important. For one... water washed off the heat...the heat within me.. it brought a soothing transition into another phase, almost another life. When the first drops of the monsoon begin its downpour, the experience is a visual stunner- its as if God took his paint brush and retouched all the colours that describe the world- nature. It is a painting to behold- the glistening drops of water softening the greens, the blues become deeper and the clouds, threaten and burst with alarming regularity...

My heart dances when I see this transition.. when Im part of it... and its beautiful.

However, this time... things have been different.... feelings have been different. There is a change. The heat was there... the pre monsoon signs have all been there but there's been other 'distractions' to contend with- profession takes a step forward in the table of priorities... so much so that an internal relation with such an intimate experience is lost in the swirls of controversies, doubts and ambition that threaten to take over...

I do not feel excited about the first rains- it rained today. I enjoyed the sounds- it reminded me of a functional bodily requirement: the air would cool down after days of insufferable oppressive heat! This is another level of change that is occuring and I realise that I have accepted it, as simply as I accepted my presence in this world, before and now. The stage has been set for change to occur and occur it shall-
the clock ticks
the body greys
the ants move
and the rains fall...

Before sunrise.... Before sunset..

I recently watched two movies that have somehow changed my life in many ways.... its made me feel.....unfeel...i don't know...

I watched "Before sunrise" without any apprehensions.. I just felt it was a good movie (having read some reviews about it...and having heard about its sequel...) and went on to watch it.... It was a magical experience. It reawakened many emotions that I thought never existed or had been forgotten...it brought out the beautiful things that need to experienced in this world...

The movie is about a man and a woman... two strangers who meet and at the end of the day, fall in love... only to separate from each other. Cinematically, its one of the cleanest, simplest and most powerful performances i've ever seen..and being a minimalist myself, this couldn't have been better- the dialogues are natural.... the flow natural...the content of conversation magical and engrossing... I thought I had found another movie to add in my pantheon..little did I know that the sequel would do something profound...

"Before Sunset" takes off from where the lovers left last... only, time has flown and changes have occured...the magic continues from where it left in its predecessor... only, this time its taken to wholly different level. Its magic that leaves you crying, smiling...hanging on to each and every word or expression that passes on between the protagonists...it makes you absorb like a sponge..its a reality show with a hidden camera..only, there's no need for it to be hidden..its a cinematic achievement other than what it did to me personally... Both the actors, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy couldn't have done the roles if they didn't love each other really... (or if they didn't, they are truly great actors.... apparently, they remain friends until this day)....

For me... the sequel holds significance that I cannot attempt to express... its just beautiful and intimate and its a must watch for the true romantic....

I recommend these movies for a special occasion....if any with the person you love...

I was a romantic...
now
i live in a void................

juvenile artists...

this one's more of a vent of frustration (accumulated over a period of time) rather than a typical VOSSOV entry...

Basically, something Ma A told me sometime back came into picture yesterday, when i was speaking to No, and I couldn't help find a link between some related occurances that have happened in my life, especially in the last 5 years.

Specifically pertaining to my class (i m a student of architecture about to graduate in a month!!!), its been 5 long years- full of diverse experiences...romances, disappointments, irritations, anger, fun, laughter... .. however, what i shall remember in years to come wouldn't be the positive experiences as much as the negative ones that I went through. For starters, after a year or so with my class, a slow realisation dawned upon me- my class was going to be unique (that included me as well)..... an outsider, on prolonged "exposure" to our class would've used the words "diversity in diversity".. I would've like to liken it to India- the land of varied cultures and religions and languages (which my class was, to an extent analogically) but the country is often praised with terms like "unity in diversity" which is perhaps very true ideologically. Anyway, thats not what i set out to write...

My class consisted of not more than 28 individuals (at any point of time) and now numbers 26. Somhow, I never found one consistent person I could get along with, per se..... What i noticed was there was a persistent string of "arrogant individualism" that just strengthened the whole notion of diversity. A common ground was lacking, more often than not- we never could get together congenially, none of us ever felt any kind of individual responsibility towards the rest- if we did, it was soon squashed by disillusionment (which has happened more often than not during this tenure for me!! its bad!leaves a sore taste)...... and the attitudes have gotten only worse.

I try (and have tried) to be as objective as possible about this occurance and observed both my senior and junior batch, to figure out how they function. I can't say i "lived" with them...it was those small, offhand observations that pointed out to a great many things- things that were sorely missing or wanting in our pen. I agree that, in any class..over a period of time, certain looseness is bound to creep in. Groups are formed...comfort zones generated and picking/politicking become mainstay...and these I noticed among the other batches as well. However, they always got together at some point- especially if it was for a common goal...be it a project or a decision. There would be arguments, fallouts...but there was a bonding felt..at some level.
Either I was insensitive to any level of bonding that existed in my class or there just wasn't any- this pertained to us as individuals and "us" as a whole - our individual character probably was flawless (impossible..i know..i write relatively) but we just didn't tick it off as a class...
another aspect that brings me back to Ma A's words was the Chinese Horoscope... what she was speculating was that the Chinese horoscope points out traits according to the year you are born in...
Yesterday, I tried to relate this to the wonder that my class was- for starters. It also seemed to make sense that No had just attended her senior's thesis presentation - most of the seniors works were below average or just there- there was nothing special. Why im mentioning this is is because my class degraded over the last 5 years... we supposedly started out showing so much of promise- the faculty was exalted. Time showed the true colours.... reflected our collective attitude... we were lazy, we didn't care about deadlines..we never completed our work... we did not have a complete portfolio (personally, i still feel we're one of the most talented batches though). When No told me about her seniors abysmal performance (her seniors = my batch..same year), I couldn't help but draw a parallel to what Ma A had said earlier.

Did it have to do with the year?? now let me see- there is no doubt that out of 26 in the class, i think more than 50% of us have been born in the year 1984 (we're RATS in the chinese horoscope ;) )... there are some who are older than we are ...it ranges from 1982 to 85, basically.... im not sure if our horoscopes can be blamed... but i was thinking..if a survey was done all across the country specifically checking this batch (with respect to birthdates), what would the results be??

If I want to look at it objectively... I think it was a big attitude deficiency... those who worked hard got complacent when they noticed that there were others who didn't bother or give a damn..in a system where grades are based on relative performance, how does it matter whether you are truly industrious or good.. all one needs to do is wait for the rest to perform badly and thats exactly what happened- and there was always this backhand confidence- theory subjects could get your average down if you were bad in drafting and design subjects and vice-versa....if you were consistent in both, it showed you had some levels of competency.... you had a system that could be milked to give best results without much effort. We made complete use of it... and im not sure if we will pay a price..... but there were moments of laziness and fun!

I , for one began quite incompetently and rose along in seriousness and intent- so I wouldn't necessarily like to associate myself with the downward trend that is witnessed generally. One more reason why I will not remember my class down the years......
apart from this... I guess i should get serious about astrology and make predictions!!

A.E. (meaning After effect... usually somethings that related to the above entry...but in completely different light...)
-I have found some of my classmates evolving backwards...from children to lunatics as the years have taken their toll on them- sad..... Am i one of them??? umm..perhaps ....
-its fun to visualise how different will our lives be in a decade or so. I sometimes view pics of my family when they were young... you see them in youth and how determined/carefree/strong/beautiful/etc... they appear..and then, you see them now... there is more than just a physical change... and that is what makes it interesting. For eg. you see mr BiBo now and you see a buffalo... what would he be like 10 years later.... mmm..interesting..very interesting..
-this whole youth to aged thing can be slightly freaky..try this exercise out (although effects may vary..there's no guarantee): sit down and think of all the people you know... until now whom you 've seen growing up with you. Then think of any dead people (family or otherwise) or dying people..or very old people you know, a lot about... (a lot would mean a bit of their past..maybe some experiences when young..stuff like that)... try to put yourself in their timeline... you don't 've to do it intensively.. just be free about it. Then after a while, suddenly come back to yourself and think what you want to be/do.... ..
Effect: What I undergo is a very sudden shift in thought... which is almost scary...or astonishing at other times... its weird..you're here, at the moment..young and fit..thinking of all kinds of people..then you think of old people and then when you come back to thinking about you..you realise that you (or I ) are going to get old...and probably someday (or the next second) you are going to be facing death... I mean, imagine closing your eyes for the last time while knowing that you won't wake up (one might not always know... and we really don't know if "we" would know what is happening once death occurs... its not really recorded scientifically, is it!)...
i m ok with the whole concept of the cycle of births and deaths..but somehow, to think of it that suddenly, you are not going to be there... its a very interesting experience.. almost as if many years (or few) later, when the time comes..you're not the same person thinking about yourself in the past... but two different people looking at each other through a time glass..and wondering who the other one is......

I would like to look at the sky when i close my eyes for the last time..... :D

re- de generation

I m one who looks for trends..indicators, general occurances and happenings that can lead to certain events or pointers towards the future… not a soothsayer but an intuitive probe trying to create connections between things. my connections do not necessarily have any quantitative relationships, conclusive evidence or hard facts even- its as intuitive as it can get and sometimes one-dimensional as I feel it to be sometimes.

The world is undergoing changes- I feel it boiling inside, waiting to burst. I read so often about global warming, climate change and its effects. I m not getting into it any of the paraphernalia that gets associated with such phenomena- however, what does all of it point towards?? how are we human beings changing as a whole?? There are so many positive things happening and twice the negatives (I m pessimistic- im sure an optimist would write the opposite).

I recently read- China to have 30 million bachelors in a decade. At first glance, it doesn’t sound like much. What it implied (subsequently from the article) was that Chinese men would not be able to find spouses for themselves in 10 years time due to various reasons.

For starters, the problem is one of the side effects on the famously infamous “one –child” norm. Chinese (like the traditional Indian) believes that having a boy/male child is a boon as compared to a female since the boy, subsequently grows up to become a man will take of the parents, change their nappies, etc etc… hence leading to female infanticide (through illegal ultrasonic detections) and abortions. A few villages in China already face a stringent shortage of women (There are - this, incidentally is not a phenomenon that is restricted to the Asian giant alone. India faces a similar problem, albeit not to such extremities. I had also heard of villages in the country not having women for its bachelors- in fact, coming to think of it, there is even a movie that tackles this issue that my friend described to me.

So lesser the women, the more the problems… these occurrences/trends can be observed in developing economies. Interestingly, in the other side of the world, in Europe (and to an extent, North America) the demographics are as startling and contrasting as it can get. The social dynamics and setup in these continents have led to demographics that indicate a negative growth rate as far as population of the youth is concerned. i.e. Europeans refuse to have babies since the no. of marriages over the last few decades has dramatically reduced leading to an increase in higher age groups and obviously resulted in the decline of youth. Countries like Japan have 60% of their population (I think) above the age of 60. Such nations are providing incentives to their citizens to marry and reproduce. (personally, I just think there should be a partnership chalked out between the east and the west where all the unmarried youths from this side go populate the other side and help increase the number !!)

I think there’s a fine balance in this imbalance… firstly, the developing economies have a bludgeoning population growth which it is trying hard to restrain. Contrastingly, the west is experiencing the exact reverse. The same west was (and is) responsible for all the hullabaloo that goes around in the form of “global warming” while the developing nations are beginning to ring their cashiers and add to the whole glory which constitutes mankind. It looks like all these aspects (I know its very generalized) are very intricately connected and if one attempts to look at the big picture, the balance is found.

I wonder though- what really is balance?..................

P.S.

Although not directly related to the above (attempt at an) entry, I recommend that readers watch the movie “children of men”, released last year which is a very interesting concept that can well be expected in the coming decades. And once you do, try relating it to the issues I outlined……. perhaps it will make sense, perhaps it won’t….